Top 10 Reasons Why New Englanders are better than you

For those of you wondering why Aviva, Mike Kelley, Lauren and I are such well rounded and wonderful people. The list below should answer any questions you may ask yourself, as you drive down to Jersey to pick up your boxed wine and hookers.

1. Two words: Boat shoes. From gripping the slippery decks of our schooners to the slickly polished floor of Banana Republic, Sperry’s are the quintessential three season shoe. The harsh New England winter is reserved for Uggs and fairisle knit slippers (but only in front of the fireplace surrounded by three generations of the trust fund and your incompetent but faithful golden retriever)

2. Bawston: Ah good old Beantown, home of the infamous tea party. To put it bluntly, a bunch of our wasted forefathers dressed as offensively stereotypical Native Americans and dumped a fortunes worth of the kings’ tea into the Atlantic. In retrospect, the catalyst to our great nation’s independence and first step towards a Starbucks monopoly.

3. Sports: The Red Sox, The Patriots, The Celtics and the Bruins, need I say more? Boston teams and its fans are clearly a force to be reckoned with. Even those who haven’t the faintest clue about team stats or players (or really only watch because of the social aspects/beer/Tom Brady in spandex) can still be a complete ass when the Northeast sweeps an entire year of championships and play-offs. That smell isn’t the Charles River, but the slightly polluted scent of victory.

4. J Crew: Better known as Mecca, J Crew sells anything and everything a true New Englander could need or desire. (Unless you're looking for that elusive article known as dignity) However, whatever said person is lacking in principles and/or judgment can easily be remedied with a seersucker blazer or yet another madras headband. Ethics can’t keep your warm in our subzero winters, but that cashmere cardigan from the monogram shop sure as hell can.

5. Our Foliage: Do you see the magnificent turning leaves on our maples and elms? The swirling crimsons and golds as they drift down from the oaks and birches? The sheer poetry of New England fall foliage is one to be desired and envied, and has inspired generations of artists from the great Walt Whitman to the lowliest finger painter. What, you have changing leaves and autumn in your part of the country too? Well fuck off, ours is better.

6. JAPS and WASPS: Once easily identifiable, the typical New England JAP or WASP is much harder to categorize due to advancements in rhinoplasty and higher frequency of Range Rover dealerships. While they do not better New England in many ways, it’s always fun to watch their squabbles over lawn service providers and Bar-Mitzvah dancers. Many a little league game or PTO meeting has become a hotbed for gratuitous violence. A parents homecoming committee meeting in recent memory resulted in a hospital trip, when a woman was strangled with her own pearls and forced to "bite the curb" by another mother in boat shoes.

7. The Universities: Harvard, Yale, MIT, BC, Emerson, Brandeis, the list goes on and on. While these great schools have always been a source of pride and accomplishment for our community, they all pale in comparison to the fact that Emma Watson now attends Brown. Screw all of your Muggle loving schools, there's a fucking wizard and Burberry model walking down Thayer street.

8. The real melting pot: New England is generally a very liberal and accepting community. No one needs to be ashamed of their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or religion. However, shame and acceptance into certain country clubs are two entirely different things. One comes with a key to the pool house, and the other comes with the carton of eggs you will use to deface said pool house. Both have their own redeeming qualities.

9. The History: New England has always been deeply rooted in its history and associated traditions. That cobblestone path you are walking on has been trod on by the likes of George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and the one and only Samuel Adams. With twenty four variations of his beer currently on the market today, the true patriot has been helping ours and future generations live out the original American dream: going home with someone more attractive than you and telling amusing anecdotes about it to your friends and co-workers.

10. The Food: It would be a crime, nay a travesty, to squander number ten on something other than New Englands finest delicacies. Lobster, chowder, baked beans, and of course the magical Dunkin Donuts. One might argue that Dunkin Donuts is a national brand, and totally irrelevant. I would stand there in silence, and then point to the two of them located mere yards away from one another. Then I would ask you to pronounce the words Gloucester and Dorcester, as I proceed to eat a carton of munchkins. Just trying to live the dream.