Social Networking Whoredom

Dictionary Definitions for the websites that take up way too much of my time/one of the main reasons why many of my college brethren cannot hold a lasting face to face conversation.

^{Dictionary Definitions for Social Networking Sites}

Facebook

Definition: 1. Whole novels could have been written, cancer cured, the homeless fed and Darfur saved with the amount of time the world’s population has spent writing posts and going through inane photo booth albums.

2a. Because there is truly nothing classier than taking a self-portrait with your laptop camera, unless it’s a self-portrait superimposed in front of the Eiffel Tower.

2b. Except for the hundreds of photos of yourself intoxicated/high/passed out over a toilet for the world to see. Congratulations, your shining moment has instantly become public property and will come back to haunt you for years, nay generations to come. Enough slander for a future political campaign could be generated from last nights trailer trash themed party, not to mention that the fact that you listed beer pong as one of your “activities.”

Example: “That guy I just cheated off in OChem? Totally friending him.”

Twitter

Definition: 1. A sense of desperation and desire to be accepted paired with the vain hope that someone cares about your dinner plans. Nay, your thoughts on the anticipation of dinner plans.

2. Seeing the same people twitter over and over again about the mundane aspects of their life is comparable to repeatedly stabbing your inner thigh with a dull knife.

3. Blackberries and iphones are like the pipes to these crack messages, which at first begin with a little experimentation and then ultimately lead to incessant posting and our good friend carpal tunnel.

4. The new language that evolved around twitter is incredibly confusing. What the hell do you say, twitted, tweeted, or twat? It is expected that within the year only one term will rise to the top like butter in this churn of utter narcissism and finally be grammatically accepted by both scholars and sycophants alike.

Example: Lolz @hulksmash224 it’s not your kid.

LinkedIn

Definition: 1. Post millennia internet equivalent to sleeping your way to the top. (So I see you’ve added a few more “contacts”) Except this time lowering your standards gets you an extra partition for your cubicle and a reference for your page.

2. Amidst this recession, one has to use every possible means to gain that slight advantage over your equally under qualified peers. Even if it leads to you paying upwards of $25 a month to litter the internet with grammatically incorrect and out of date versions of your resume.

Example: I put my drinking blog and twitter account links on my page, why has no one contacted me?

MySpace

Definition: 1. All but dead save for garage bands unable to afford a website and perverts not hip enough to switch over to Facebook. Myspace has spawned the twisted social networking malcontents we are today.

2. Aside from making you think it’s okay to post pictures of that totally sweet new bong and perfecting the angle from which you can take photos of yourself in the mirror (with the least amount of flash obstruction) Myspace has done very little for society, but add to the population. Unfortunately it was misused as a dating site for some time, and the poor demon seeds will have to be told the origins of their birth. Also why Daddy can’t afford child support because he blew it all on a custom bike. “But it has the entire cast of the Dukes of Hazzard airbrushed on it…”

Example: OH MY G-D WE HAVE THE SAME MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PAGE LAYOUT