Whenever I think of "The Factory Store" child laborers immediately come to mind.

I've officially done it. Through the scholarly trials and tribulations of my hangover paired with arguing with my little brother via his facebook status, I have done the impossible.

It's taken me years, nay lifetimes in the metaphorical sense, but I have achieved what I was put on G-d's green Earth to do.

The official definition for "Living The Dream" is as follows:

Doing whatever the fuck you want with a pretentious attitude and disregard of long term consequences. Pair with a fabulous vocabulary and wardrobe for best results.

I'd like my Peace Prize mailed to me, I would accept it in person but haven't a thing to wear.

This term has been going well thus far, for my print advertising final I'm doing an Emily Post-esque etiquette and style book as a mailer for J Crew Wedding. Needless to say I'm a little excited, but disappointed that it has to be on-brand. Read: minimal sarcasm.

I just checked out the online J Crew Factory Store, and I feel like I was let down. Those bastards threw last seasons clothes on there for a slight discount and put "Factory" at the beginning of each discriminately named piece of clothing. I never understood why they would name it "The Annalise Shawl Collar Cardigan" or some utter nonesense like that. I picture this Annalise to be very thin, blonde, and desperately trying to pop her shawl collar. Yet it's all in vain.

I would love to be the person to name said articles of clothing. I think it would be a great marketing ploy to bluntly name each item. For example, The I got some useless English degree from a well regarded liberal arts school but my tits are what landed me this job cocktail dress or the I may be a horrible person but at least I'm not wearing jorts seersucker trousers and finally the I'm making up for my ridiculously undersized junk with this conceited attitude blazer.

Unfortunately this is the stuff of what my dreams are made of. Aim high kids.

Social Media At Its Finest

I often speak of my undying love for J Crew, because lets face it I don’t have a life. Its become an almost unhealthy obsession, to the point I will walk around its hallowed corridors and showcases at Columbus Circle to blow off steam after carbo-loading at Whole Foods. Oh to revel in the clothes for the dapper lifestyle I yearn to afford, but can probably only attain through hooking and/or gold digging (since they are synonymous with one another.)

However, I have to give Anthropologie props. The store interiors are glorious to say the least, and are reminiscent of the fairy tale settings we became so used to as children. Except now we’re older and these fairy tales are trying to sell us cutlery and aprons. Nothing like turning the tedium of homemaking into a magical experience, all you need are some clip on fairy wings and a fifth of vodka to bring it to life.

“Mommy, why does dinner taste like cigarette ash and despair?”

“Shut up, you didn’t tell me how much you liked the new lobster motif in the kitchen. We’re turning your room into the British countryside next, don’t even try and fucking stop me.”

But honestly, I do tend to blow too much money on their clothes. It’s a wild stab at pretentious bohemian with a belligerent attitude geared towards superfluous ruffles and layering. If you don’t know what the hell I just said, neither do I. But that’s irrelevant to how pretty their riding jackets and dresses are.

On another note, the store does make good use of their Facebook as well. I like getting the new collections on their news feed, or the ability to “like” an outfit or article of clothing on the website. Sperry Top-Sider has been doing a good job with their Facebook as well, generating content that appeals to their audience and making them feel more at home with the brand. Example A:

8 “likes” in under a half and hour and growing. G-d bless America and boat shoes.

Social Networking Whoredom

Dictionary Definitions for the websites that take up way too much of my time/one of the main reasons why many of my college brethren cannot hold a lasting face to face conversation.

^{Dictionary Definitions for Social Networking Sites}

Facebook

Definition: 1. Whole novels could have been written, cancer cured, the homeless fed and Darfur saved with the amount of time the world’s population has spent writing posts and going through inane photo booth albums.

2a. Because there is truly nothing classier than taking a self-portrait with your laptop camera, unless it’s a self-portrait superimposed in front of the Eiffel Tower.

2b. Except for the hundreds of photos of yourself intoxicated/high/passed out over a toilet for the world to see. Congratulations, your shining moment has instantly become public property and will come back to haunt you for years, nay generations to come. Enough slander for a future political campaign could be generated from last nights trailer trash themed party, not to mention that the fact that you listed beer pong as one of your “activities.”

Example: “That guy I just cheated off in OChem? Totally friending him.”

Twitter

Definition: 1. A sense of desperation and desire to be accepted paired with the vain hope that someone cares about your dinner plans. Nay, your thoughts on the anticipation of dinner plans.

2. Seeing the same people twitter over and over again about the mundane aspects of their life is comparable to repeatedly stabbing your inner thigh with a dull knife.

3. Blackberries and iphones are like the pipes to these crack messages, which at first begin with a little experimentation and then ultimately lead to incessant posting and our good friend carpal tunnel.

4. The new language that evolved around twitter is incredibly confusing. What the hell do you say, twitted, tweeted, or twat? It is expected that within the year only one term will rise to the top like butter in this churn of utter narcissism and finally be grammatically accepted by both scholars and sycophants alike.

Example: Lolz @hulksmash224 it’s not your kid.

LinkedIn

Definition: 1. Post millennia internet equivalent to sleeping your way to the top. (So I see you’ve added a few more “contacts”) Except this time lowering your standards gets you an extra partition for your cubicle and a reference for your page.

2. Amidst this recession, one has to use every possible means to gain that slight advantage over your equally under qualified peers. Even if it leads to you paying upwards of $25 a month to litter the internet with grammatically incorrect and out of date versions of your resume.

Example: I put my drinking blog and twitter account links on my page, why has no one contacted me?

MySpace

Definition: 1. All but dead save for garage bands unable to afford a website and perverts not hip enough to switch over to Facebook. Myspace has spawned the twisted social networking malcontents we are today.

2. Aside from making you think it’s okay to post pictures of that totally sweet new bong and perfecting the angle from which you can take photos of yourself in the mirror (with the least amount of flash obstruction) Myspace has done very little for society, but add to the population. Unfortunately it was misused as a dating site for some time, and the poor demon seeds will have to be told the origins of their birth. Also why Daddy can’t afford child support because he blew it all on a custom bike. “But it has the entire cast of the Dukes of Hazzard airbrushed on it…”

Example: OH MY G-D WE HAVE THE SAME MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PAGE LAYOUT