Since looking for reasonable NYC sublets when you're due to move in a month is so much fun, I thought I'd update instead of curling into the fetal position and slowly crying myself to sleep. After eating vast amounts of cottage cheese. Because no one likes the fat chick.
I added the beginning of a paper that actually had no relevance to the assignment. It was one of those bat-shit crazy four-in-the morning deals when I thought I was making sense, only to wake up and realize it had all the coherency of a Bush speech on methamphetamines. Not to mention the sheer awkwardness of peer tutoring the final piece. A classroom full of pretentious writing students and weird shut ins who have not met the light of day, nor acne wash? I'll pass. I don't think they could understand my small and insignificant victories against the writing program when I get away with this bullshit.
The Syrian hamster is considered a pest in its native land. With their cheek pouches extending from their mouths to their shoulders, they are capable of storing nearly the equivalent of their own body own mass in their mouth. Unremitting hoarders, they have been known to gather up to sixty pounds of grain in preparation for the cruel winters and long months of potential starvation. Third world farmers have responded violently, and the cuddly creatures are rounded up and slaughtered by the dozens. This leaves the hamsters with no choice but to live on the run, skittering around as fast as their little hind legs can carry them. The hamster genocide has gone unnoticed for far too long, and once again international diplomacy has failed in its very indifference. Damning an entire group, nay an entire species, is at the very least unethical and another example of our sadistic bastardization of a legal system. Their wee metaphorical shackles and exercise wheels of humiliation have existed for nearly a century, with no end to the cruelty in sight. Without the monetary or intellectual resources (not to mention necessary dexterous capabilities) a hamster revolution is certainly out of the question, and their persecution will continue until met with human resistance.
The real question is why the international community has kept such a massacre under wraps, denying these creatures the very basic rights to life. The answer lies in the dark underbelly of medical testing, paired with incestuous corporate relationships with shareholders.
Hamsters were first introduced to the modern world in 1839 by zoologist George Waterhouse, who aptly dubbed them Cricetus auratus, which translates into “The Golden Hamster.” A family of hamsters was bred in captivity in 1930, and it is believed that all North American hamsters sold as pets are descendants of the original litter. Bearing in mind the females go into heat every four days, and can birth up to twenty furballs in one litter, population problems were originally out of the question. These rodents are the fourth most tested upon animals, securing their spot right after lab mice. However, they are solitary creatures are genetically engineered for wide spances of the Syrian desert, and close quarters cause the little ones to attack each another with razor sharp incisors. The only guarantee that two hamsters will not attack one another is when the female is in heat. However, the fairer sex has been known to immediately attack the male hamster after copulation, while he is still recovering from the physical exertion. Granted, the intercourse must have been truly horrible if she felt he deserved such a fate.
....And then I passed out.
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