Domesticism.

"If a tree falls on a woman...what the fuck was a tree doing in the kitchen?" -mylifeisbro.com (sorry Harris)

Because I am arguably female, I thought it would be fitting to share some of my favorite household appliances.

Vitamixer

The motherfucking champion of blenders. While I was studying abroad, they had a Vitamixer demonstration every day at the Kensington Whole Foods. It could chop anything, and had some sort of unnatural and destructive horse power. I usually stayed for the demonstrations because the free samples supplemented my steady diet of bread, cider, yogurt, and disillusionment. G-d I looked good that summer.

They’re incredibly expensive, but can you put a price on a blender that makes steaming hot soup or freezing ice cream depending on the speed? That’s like trying to justify not buying a miniature pony for your only daughter. She was only young and optimistic once.

My dream was to own one of these puppies after graduation, but things are looking pretty bleak. I was hoping it could be the catalyst to my raw foods diet, however after some much needed soul-searching I realized the danger that comes with eating raw bacon.


Tonic Water Dispenser

Two of my favorite things in this cruel and fattening world contain 0 calories: tonic water and mustard. Since you can’t really combine alcohol with mustard, tonic water wins out in the end.
Not only does it save you a few hundred calories in a mixed drink, but can stretch out any of your favorite juices. It gives that little carbonated kick you so desperately need after a long day of pretending to care about school and avoiding eye contact with homeless people.

To put it simply, I have little to no upper arm strength, and constantly carrying liters of these bastards back from the store is tiresome. It would be so much easier to carbonate your own damn water, or at least until you purchase the much sought after shake-weight.


Bread Maker

Carbs are the bane of my existence. I love bread, potatoes, and anything that destroys any form of misguided diet I have attempted. I grew up on sourdough and portugese sweetbread so I can once again blame this misfortunate addiction on my parents.

Usually I would say that Iggy’s bread is the best out there, but it all pales in comparison to whatever Chris makes in his breadmaker.

His entire apartment smells amazing during the process, and watching the entire thing is like witnessing a beautiful idea or bastard child be born. Iggy’s pales in comparison to his home made bread, and I hope to one day possess his culinary skills. Since I will probably start a kitchen fire before such a miracle occurs, I will have to satisfy my bread fetish at farmers markets.

Illegal Immigrants

By far the best kitchen appliance, they make whatever you say without even the touch of a button or demand of a recipe. Since they have no paperwork to speak of and technically don’t “exist”, they have amazing endurance and are willing to perform even the most arduous tasks.

After all, a lasagna and pie are nothing compared to jumping an electrical fence and swimming against the river. G-d bless America and all of her amenities.