Charitable Prep

A pretentious attitude, sense of style, and vocabulary are the well known ways to my blackened and decrepit heart. In my estranged youth and shallow optimism, I used to tell myself that no one is "better or worse than anyone else." That phase came and went with my Star Wars themed birthday parties and athletic prowess.

While I bemoan the fact that I cannot swim as far and hard as I used to (aka realize I'm too tired to even lift myself out of the pool) I'm quite comfortable with knowing there are a lot of inferior people out there. I'm not just speaking of Palin supporters, PC users, and those that give the double thumbs-up sign in socially awkward situations.

I'm speaking of anyone who has slighted you, or whose opinion sways from yours. Burn those bridges, stamp on the ashes, and never look back. Even if it means you end up elderly, bitter, and alone. Not to mention so delusional you're convinced that IKEA mirror you spray painted is actually a fine example of late 17th century baroque art.

In order to deviate from the so-called flock and distinguish yourself as an alpha among beta's, I highly suggest a monocle. I thought they had died out with the waist cot and the diaphragm, but apparently they're still alive and well. Check out "the colonel" from Warby Parker. For a mere $50 you can achieve the distinguishment and feeling of authority you so desperately seek without reeking of gin.

In all honesty the site is truly remarkable. Stylish frames with an RX prescription for a mere $95? Shipping included? My Jewdar went off the charts, and I'm already planning on the dark tortoiseshell or the obnoxious green ones. They also donate one pair of glasses for every pair they sell, so you can sleep soundly at night knowing little Samantha in the projects is wearing the "Huxby" style in crystal tortoise.

Now all I need is for Drexel to file my damn paperwork so I can once again grace my work study position and harass freshman. Oh to be eighteen again and desperately cling to the hope that you'll grow out of the Natty Light phase. But why quit when it tastes of what dreams are made of?