With 2010 and ultimately a new decade unmercifully thrust upon us, a time of change and reflection is inevitable. With the vain hope of turning my New Years resolutions into a tangible thing, I have made this list in order to grow and flourish into a decent human being by the time 2011 rolls around. If such a thing is possible.
2010: "It Can Happen."
Stop lying to strangers in social situations about my age. I’m not sixteen, I’m not eighteen, I’m “twenty-two” and should behave as such.
Get a classy tattoo, much like the man above. Perhaps a Prada triangle, or Burberry check tramp stamp.
Become a better person, preferably by wearing aviators and incorporating Top Gun quotes into my every-day life as much as humanly possible.
Not necessarily accept, but begrudgingly acknowledge the fact that I am slowly turning into my Mother. I already have inherited her Tourettes and stolen most of her blazers, but I didn’t realize how scary the situation was until today. I completely flipped out at my Fresh Grocer cashier because she didn’t ring up my sale items correctly, and after several necessary price checks a $20 bill quickly turned into $9 and change. As I was muttering about her incompetence and the general indignity of it all, searing flash backs from my childhood regarding similar episodes in Stop and Shop and Shaws made everything a little too transparent. However, I refuse to worry about this until I find myself sitting next to her intently watching the weather channel on mute, in the dark.
Find Bill in order to keep Sookie occupied. Eric’s mine you gap toothed fairy.
Stop being such a raving bitch, and to take more time in the morning to think about proper accessories. Not only am I cheating myself by not thoroughly mulling over my headband drawers and jewelry boxes, but the general population as well.
Care more about the general well being of reality TV stars…because they’re people too.
With each passing year, the transient and ephemeral nature of life becomes more and more apparent. In 2010 I will make a TV watching Excel schedule so I don’t miss an episode or made for TV movie about the joys of life and the triumph of the human spirit.
Stop hating people based on first appearances. Loathing, strong dislike, and abhorrence is perfectly acceptable.
Find a signature perfume, because I’m a fucking lady now. Preferably one I already own.
Blog more in order to maintain that crucial thing called sanity. My parents and the .75 of a person who read this have a right to my blithering and stale remarks and general dislike of humanity.
Lose enough weight to feel comfortable in my slutty high school clothes. Because that really does totally encompass living the dream.
Become an excellent cook, so when people refer to me as that “pretentious, conceited bitch,” they can then add “but she makes an amazing brisket so I can find it in my heart to forgive her.”
Totally embrace my heritage and the Jewish faith. By 2011 I hope to have watched all of the Mel Brooks and Woody Allen movies.
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