No really, I'm fine.

Atleast once a day for the majority of my existence, someone has asked me if I’m upset, depressed, or has told me to “smile” or “cheer up.” I’m surprised that it still happens frequently in NYC, as I assumed the stereotypical New Yorker always looked blasé or pissed off. Random strangers on the street tap me on the shoulder, store salesman make awkward comments, and acquaintances tell me that “my life isn’t that bad.” Its gotten to the point where I have pre-meditated responses to alleviate their fears or shallow concerns that I'm about to attempt to slit my wrists with my lunch spork.

“This is my non-thinking face,” “I swear I’m fine, I’m just relaxed,” or “It’s all good,” are my usual go to’s, but explaining that I normally look depressed is not the best ice breaker for casual conversation.

I’ve tried to fix it for years, but it’s one of those things about yourself you can’t change. Like your height or an inexplicable fear of jazzercise.

I know it’s not an attractive quality of mine, and can be quite off-putting. I often come across as a maudlin bitch when I would like to think of myself as a generally content human being. However I can’t exactly disagree with the bitch part.

My freshman year of college people were wary of me at first, because of my negative appearance when I was really just hung over and spacing out. They also assumed I was affiliated with a sorority, when I strictly associated myself with fraternities and the magic of natural light ice. Any other assumptions about me from then on were usually true, and I didn’t partake in many design related shin-digs. The idea of taping 40’s to your hands seems all well and good at first, but eventually the indignity of the situation and what the malt liquor is doing to your thighs will make anyone uneasy.

I know I shouldn’t get angry when people inquire about my well being, as it was meant with good intentions. But the obligatory smile after the explanation is what actually annoys me, that I should have to reassure them that I am actually the most fucking cheerful person around.

However, I’d rather look like I do than like the jolly idiot with an eternal smile plastered on their face. I feel like that’s more unsettling than any sort of vapid look I unintentionally give off.