Back in the olden days of my internship, I was overtaken by a paralyzing fear concerning my money situation. Having my grocery money stolen the first night I arrived in NYC did put a damper on things, and I spent a good amount of my time on Craigslist vainly searching and applying for any sort of cocktail waitress or editing job. Basically anything short of an escort service that would accept my poorly rendered portfolio website or cliched college resume.
I either received emails asking for my picture or none at all, so I decided to try my hand at walking around Midtown and applying for bartending jobs. None of the restaurants or bars were too thrilled with my response regarding my prior bartending experience (handing out cans of Natty Light at house parties and frats) and sent me packing.
I was belligerent, nay enraged. Did I attend one of the nation's finest third tier tech schools for nothing? Was my future not intended for pouring lukewarm beer into the mugs of the near destitute and depraved? Heartbreaking to say the least.
As a last resort I ended up applying to Hooters, who was actually quite pleased with my "credentials." I ended up going back for a second interview, but never picked up my phone when they called me again. In the end I decided no amount of tips were worth the toll those shorts would take on my dignity and sanity. I had so little left to spare as it was.
However, one of the Craigslist ads did respond in a timely fashion, and asked me to write for their website. Unfortunately it was unpaid, and I decided not to write for them again as they wanted me on a weekly basis, and I should be paid for what I usually get for my writing. Absolutely nothing.
However, I had to catch up on a few episodes of Spartacus and an entire season of Mad Men, so my time really was precious. The following is what I wrote for Lists and Grades, and it was obviously around the time of the Tiger Woods scandal. It seems like decades ago now, but I'm sure the poor bastard would disagree with me.
Tiger Woods Mistress List
It is a widely known fact that every little girl aspires of only two things: owning a pony named Sparkles, and being sexually exploited as a married athletes mistress. As one of those girls still trying to live out the dreams of her youth, I would like to thank Tiger Woods for making not one, not five, but an alleged eleven girls wish come true. The following is a list of some of the lucky girls who have come forward to admit their good fortune. This is doubtlessly a tentative list, with others still out there. Probably wandering around farms in pursuit of the damn pony, Tiger’s hush money clutched in hand.
First Mistress: Rachel Uchitel, the personable and attractive NYC party girl. Tiger allegedly had some form of emotional attachment to her, and texted her telling her he loved her. However, that little tid bit is superseded by how great her hair looks. Where does she get it done?
Second Mistress: Jamie Grubbs, cocktail waitress and former girlfriend of Tool Acadamy’s “Loud Mouthed Tool.” The above information ironically comprises all of Ms. Grubb’s resume. She truly encompasses the American dream.
Third Mistress: Kalika Moquin, a Vegas club promoter with a funny name. I wonder what people think when they get her business card, especially when they see it followed by “professional slut.”
Fourth Mistress: Jamie Jungers, the adorable lingerie model and winner of Howard Stern’s mistress contest. I cried along with her when they placed the crown of shame upon on her bleached head. The only difference being hers were tears of joy, and mine were more of the silent and bitter kind.
Fifth Mistress: Mindy Lawton, the trailer park mistress. The least attractive of the bunch, she most likely won over the golf pro with her winning personality. Or her breasts. It’s really a toss up.
Sixth Mistress: Cori Rist, the failed model, but true winner in all of America’s hearts and minds. YOU GO GIRL!
Seventh Mistress: Holly Sampson, the former porn star, who honestly resembles a kindergarten teacher. Except the fun kind, that one that teaches you all about the alphabet and swallowing.
Eighth Mistress: Joslyn James, a current porn star you might have seen from films such as “Big Breasted Nurses” and “My First Sex Teacher #12.” Her next few movies will be done in the name of ecological charity, with titles ranging from “Saving the O-zone” to “My First Molecular Biologist.”
Ninth Mistress: Loredana Jolie, the Playboy model and prostitute. A little known fact is she was also the voice of the original muppet prostitute on a popular children’s television show. However, she was fired after the big yellow bird mysteriously got chlymydia.
Tenth Mistress: Julie Postle, yet another cocktail waitress. That’s like saying “she’s just another Harvard grad.” Sure they exist in multitudes, but think of the time and sacrifices they must have made to boldly own that title.
Eleventh Mistress: Theresa Rogers the “Cougar” mistress, giving hope to older women everywhere. Almost like a slutty version of Oprah or Streisand.
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